SATIRE NEWS: Study Finds Ultra-Processed Foods Make Up Over 50% Of Americans’ Thoughts

BALTIMORE—Identifying a disturbing behavioral trend likely to have profound health consequences, a study published Wednesday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that ultra-processed foods made up over 50% of Americans’ thoughts. “We surveyed more than 20,000 participants across the country, and the data showed they primarily think about sausages, spicy chicken nuggets, and cream-filled snack cakes,” said study co-author Maya Beatty, adding that participants rarely contemplated healthy nuts and seeds and instead focused on white bread and a wide variety of toaster pastries. “In the United States, these high-sugar, low-nutritional-content foods appear essentially any time someone closes their eyes. Parents may try to trick their kids into thinking about little pieces of carrots in their macaroni, but these children have already become accustomed to daydreaming about sweeteners, emulsifiers, and dyes. Additionally, many participants reported that it has gotten too expensive to think about nutritious foods like eggs and fresh vegetables.” The study also reported that those surveyed obsessively worried about the planet eventually running out of high-fructose corn syrup.