SATIRE NEWS: Study Finds Handmade Boy Marionettes Falling Behind Peers In School

NEW YORK—Revealing a concerning decades-long decline in academic achievement for the demographic, a New York University study published Monday found that handmade boy marionettes were falling behind their peers in school. “When analyzing standardized test scores across elementary and middle school students, it’s clear that little boy marionettes hand-carved out of wood are not keeping pace with their fellow classmates,” said the study’s lead author, Professor Liam Faulk, who explained that the lagging aptitude of the wooden boy puppets was likely attributable to factors such as frequently skipping class to visit the Land of Toys, tangled strings impeding their hands from writing, and being raised in single Italian woodworker households. “Our data revealed that these marionette boys have a more difficult time paying attention to their responsibilities and listening to authority figures than their flesh and blood counterparts. This is not to mention their rampant lying, which often leads to growing noses as well as higher rates of school suspensions.” Among the study’s recommendations are programs that pair handmade boy marionettes with dapper and gentlemanly crickets that can act as their mentor and moral guide.