SATIRE NEWS: Study Finds Curative Power Of Prayer Limited To Genital Warts

CHICAGO—Emphasizing the constraints of God’s healing hands, a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association found that the curative power of prayer was limited exclusively to genital warts. “Our data revealed that while people attempt to cure a host of medical conditions by praying, the only ailment it was shown to be effective against was genital warts,” said lead author Dr. Patrick Mercier, explaining that despite prayer being promoted as a remedy for cancer, drug addiction, and mental illnesses like depression and schizophrenia, such invocations for divine intervention were utterly useless unless the condition somehow involved viral growths located around the groin and anus. “The ability of prayer to treat sicknesses and disorders was so narrow, in fact, that it could not even heal plantar warts found on the soles of feet. That said, entreaties to our Creator were so efficient at addressing genital warts specifically that patients who held their hands over the affected vulvas and penises and pleaded to a higher power for relief often found their HPV breakouts cleared up within 24 hours.” Mercier added that curing genital warts was actually the only thing prayer was capable of achieving across the board.