SATIRE NEWS: Study Finds 93% Of Murders Solved By Consulting Victim’s Pet Parrot

WASHINGTON—According to a nationwide crime study by the FBI’s National Incident-Based Reporting System, just over 93% of all murder cases solved by local, state, and federal police in the past 10 years were resolved by consulting the victim’s beloved pet parrot. “In some cases, the break is simple and the bird will squawk the killer’s name and a plea to put down the gun,” said FBI press office spokesperson Dana Whittle, explaining that the bureau has now formally instructed agents to treat interviews with a murder victim’s tropical pet bird as the standard first step in any homicide investigation. “Just this week, we solved a cold case in Arizona after realizing that the victim’s pet cockatiel, Percy, had been rattling off the exact code to a safety deposit box where the victim had hidden letters implicating her killer. In fact, we’ve had over 50 cases in 2025 alone where we successfully tracked down a suspect after realizing that the nonsense word the parrot had been repeating all week had, in fact, been the vanity plate on the murderer’s car. Parrots are highly intelligent birds, and those that have been trained to identify different colors were instrumental in solving nearly 100 cases attributed to the HVAC repairman with the maroon birthmark.” At press time, the FBI had encouraged all Americans to invest in a bird capable of mimicking human speech to deter future homicides.