SATIRE NEWS: Study: Anxiety Natural Response To Suited Men Wearing Shades Closing In From All Angles

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Explaining that the emotional state can be a legitimate and even healthy reaction to certain stimuli, a study published Tuesday by Harvard University psychiatrists found that anxiety is a natural response to suited men wearing shades and closing in on you from all angles. “It appears that nervous feelings and an elevated heart rate provide real benefits when a shadowy G-man locks eyes with you on the street, presses his earpiece, and begins striding toward you as several of his colleagues emerge from the faceless crowd,” said the study’s lead researcher, Professor Marisol Rucinski, adding that a spike in cortisol from realizing dark-clad agents have cut off all avenues of retreat can actually help fleeing individuals pull themselves up a dangling fire escape as several black SUVs screech to a halt beneath them. “If your anxiety persists as relentless government operatives burst out of stairwells to pursue you across a rooftop while helicopters whir overhead, you should try to remember that there’s nothing wrong with you or your emotional response. Those heightened adrenaline levels are just your body’s way of preparing you to make the 12-foot leap to the next building so your pursuers can’t bag you, force a shock collar around your neck, and take you to the kind of clandestine facility people don’t escape from.” At press time, a supplementary study found that anger is a perfectly natural response for government agents finding their target’s trail has gone cold at an open storm drain.