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WASHINGTON—With cortisol levels spiked at all-time highs, the stressed-out U.S. populace reportedly asked former President Barack Obama Tuesday evening if they could bum 340 million cigarettes. “Hey, man, if we could have one, or maybe 340 million, that would be great,” said Americans across the country who paced tensely around their homes, continuously refreshing their social media feeds, or sat in bars with their arms crossed and eyes glued to TV screens. “We don’t normally smoke, but a cig would just really hit the spot right now. Our nerves are just fried. We just really need something to cut the stress. If you need all 340 million of them though, we understand.” At press time, the nation had followed-up by asking Obama for 340 million lights.