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SOUTH BEND, IN—Expressing horror at the sight of the health secretary’s bare torso emerging from the vat of grease, a local Steak ’n Shake employee reportedly screamed Friday after a nude Robert F. Kennedy Jr. climbed out of the restaurant’s beef tallow fryer. “My skin is perfectly crispy, and I’ve never felt healthier,” said Kennedy, who heaved up gallons of sizzling fat, rolled around in salt, and took a big crunchy bite out of his own arm after spending an indeterminate number of hours in the fryer. “Seed oils cause obesity, but beef tallow gets the skin nice and cracklin’ so the obesity can’t get in. And these third-degree burns covering my body cook out soft tissue cancers. No additives or preservatives, just pure golden brown Robby Kennedy Jr. at this Steak ’n Shake! Glug, glug, glug—I feel the tallow’s bovine powers eliminating the vaccines from my blood!” At press time, reports confirmed Kennedy had turned up the temperature even higher and crawled back into the fryer.