SATIRE NEWS: SNAP Warns Recipients It Could Be Days Before Kidneys Regain Function

WASHINGTON—Urging low-income Americans to be patient as officials worked around the clock to restore normal operation, the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program issued a statement Friday warning recipients that it could take days before their kidneys regained function. “As staff are reinstated and payments begin to roll out, please expect delays in filtering out impurities in your bloodstream,” read the statement in part, which emphasized that while beneficiaries could expect the swelling in their limbs to go down as soon as next Wednesday, it would take longer for those seeking relief from nausea, itchy skin, shortness of breath, and fluid retention in the lungs. “We’ll likely have blood pressure regulation up and running by the end of the day; however, balancing electrolytes is a complex process that could take weeks to bring back online. Please know we’re doing everything in our power to ensure your organ functions are brought back to their pre-shutdown state in a timely manner.” The statement concluded by pledging that by Thanksgiving, all families who receive SNAP benefits would be able to enjoy full, healthy urine streams together.