SATIRE NEWS: Slightly Older Sources Report If You Think Body Feels Bad Now, Just Wait

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Massaging their stiff shoulders and necks while remarking that they wish they’d known how good they had it when they were your age, slightly older sources reported Thursday that if you think your body feels bad now, just you wait. “Hoo boy, you might think things hurt already, but buckle up, because this is just the beginning,” said one source, who despite being just four years older than you repeatedly warned that in terms of walking, bending, and even sleeping, it was all downhill from the age you are now. “Maybe you feel a little sore first thing in the morning, but take it from me, one day you’ll wake up and—bam! Your fingers will be swollen like grapefruits. I’ve got joints with bone-on-bone contact, I’ve got a slipped disk, and every time I stand up, I audibly moan. Talk to me in a few years, buddy. Because soon, you too will be in a world of pain.” At press time, wheezing sources whispered that if you thought doctors were fast and loose with painkillers now, hold on to your fucking horses.