SATIRE NEWS: Sleep Experts Suggest Cutting Back On God’s Light Before Bed

ITHACA, NY—In an effort to help Americans get a better night’s rest, sleep experts from Cornell University issued a recommendation Wednesday to cut back on God’s light before bed. “The Lord’s divine grace can put the body into a state of religious excitement, so we typically suggest avoiding His holy light for two hours before your regular bedtime,” said sleep researcher Edna Hardy, who added that the disruption of circadian rhythms caused by basking in the abundant glory of the Lord while in bed could lead to depression and cardiovascular problems down the line. “Personally, I never pray after 8 p.m. The brilliant light of God shining down upon you can confuse your body into thinking it’s time to make a pilgrimage in service of the Almighty when it should be winding down for rest. Ideally, you should keep any Bibles or crucifixes out of your bedroom entirely so your mind only associates that space with sleep and sex and not the everlasting salvation of eternal life through Christ.” Hardy added that people struggling to avoid God’s light close to bedtime could purchase special glasses designed to block it by selling their soul to the devil.