SATIRE NEWS: Royal Family Quietly Removes Prince Andrew’s Line Of Salad Dressings From U.K. Grocery Stores

LONDON—Faced with continuing public outrage over the former prince’s ties to notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, the British royal family on Friday quietly removed Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor’s popular line of salad dressings from stores. “For decades, British consumers have associated Andrew’s smiling face on bottles of Buckingham Balsamic and His Majesty’s Honey Mustard with the highest quality ingredients and a commitment to worthy causes,” said royal family spokesman Ian Goodwin, acknowledging that the more than 750 million pounds raised for girls boarding schools across the United Kingdom should have aroused suspicion much sooner. “But it would be a discredit to the House of Windsor if we continued to allow Andrew’s products to remain on shelves, as much as we adored Westminster Ginger on a spring greens salad or Beefeater Bleu on a succulent burger. However, local and regional grocery chains will continue to carry dressings associated with lesser nobles.” At press time, consumers were reportedly relieved to discover that stores were still stocking Gary Glitter’s brown sauce and Jimmy Savile’s beloved marmalade.