SATIRE NEWS: RFK Jr. Starts National Registry Of Introverts Who Sometimes Get Social Anxiety

WASHINGTON—Promising to use all of his power as health secretary to find a cure for the condition, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly directed the National Institutes of Health on Friday to create a registry of U.S. introverts who sometimes get social anxiety. “When I was younger, there were never people who liked to spend time home alone by themselves, but now it’s a national epidemic,” said Kennedy, who delivered the remarks at a press conference during which he confirmed federal researchers were working hard to develop treatments for individuals who felt occasionally felt uncomfortable in crowded rooms. “These people can’t live normal lives. They can’t make small talk. They can’t dance. They’ll never go to a backyard barbecue where they only kind of know one person from work.” At press time, experts were warning that the registry could be used to round up introverts for karaoke.