SATIRE NEWS: RFK Jr. Claims Measles Can Be Cured With A Good Concealer

WASHINGTON—In the wake of a growing outbreak that has sickened hundreds and killed two in West Texas and New Mexico, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed Friday that measles could be cured with a good concealer. “If you contract measles or suspect you have contracted measles, I recommend immediately applying a high-quality, full-coverage liquid or cream color corrector to affected areas,” said Kennedy, who added that HHS was rushing to distribute facial cleanser, foundation, and 10-ounce tubes of L’Oréal Infallible to pharmacies in the region. “Our nation’s top infectious disease doctors recommend anyone who has been exposed to measles immediately use a ring light to assess their skin, apply a dab of 24-hour concealer, and then smooth with a brush or Beautyblender makeup sponge. The truth is, if Americans just had proper access to lightweight cosmetic products capable of hiding blemishes, eliminating uneven skin tone, and highlighting natural complexion, measles could be eradicated.” At press time, Kennedy had released a makeup tutorial where he demonstrated how to apply concealer manufactured by his wife Cheryl Hines’ makeup company for extra measles protection.