SATIRE NEWS: Revised Citizenship Test Requires Immigrants To Name Every U.S. State Where They Not Welcome

WASHINGTON—In an update that will require those sitting for the exam to demonstrate the full range of skills necessary to take part in American civic life, government officials announced Monday that a newly revised citizenship test asks immigrants to name every U.S. state where they’re not welcome. “We want to ensure our newest citizens know what they’re getting into, so going forward, they’ll need to display a deep understanding of which parts of the country it’s really not safe for them to live in or maybe even visit,” said Ur Jaddou, director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, who explained that after pointing on a map to the places where they’ll be met with cold shoulders, veiled threats, or open hostility, test takers will also be expected to detail the gross misconceptions held about people of their ethnic origin. “These immigrants love America, but before they participate in our democracy, it’s important they familiarize themselves with all the racial slurs they are likely to hear. What’s truly remarkable is that by the time they attend their naturalization ceremony, they’ll know more about America’s xenophobia than most natural-born citizens!” Jaddou confirmed that the test will also quiz immigrants on the process through which a bill intended to strip them of their newfound citizenship becomes a law.