SATIRE NEWS: Researchers Identify Gene Responsible For Visualizing Murder After Touching Missing Person’s Sweater

STANFORD, CA—Shedding new light on the rare trait’s origins, researchers at the Stanford School of Medicine announced Friday that they had successfully identified the gene responsible for giving individuals the ability to visualize a murder when they touch a missing person’s sweater. “Through extensive DNA analysis, we have finally isolated the sequence of base pairs that encodes for the power to hold a cardigan and see in one’s mind flashes of a young woman being stabbed to death in a ravine,” said geneticist Kathy Mendoza, explaining that the gene, which is found in all people who can peer into a mysterious alternate reality using what members of their family have for generations called “the gift,” had been located on the human genome’s 11th chromosome. “Those who possess this gene are, from the moment they touch a cuff of the sweater, plunged into a shadowy world parallel to our own in which the killer’s footprints are highlighted in a bright color and lead directly to the body. We are now markedly closer to understanding the complex role these genes play in aiding law enforcement who have exhausted all other options.” The researchers confirmed plans to continue their work by investigating the potential of gene editing in lab mice that have demonstrated the ability to communicate with a murder victim’s ghost.