SATIRE NEWS: Researchers Determine Moon Serves No Purpose But Alerting Raccoons It Safe To Come Out

PASADENA, CA—Dispelling numerous widespread beliefs about the role the celestial body plays in life on Earth, astronomers at the California Institute of Technology published a paper in the Proceedings Of The National Academy Of Sciences Friday that found the moon serves no purpose but to alert raccoons that it’s safe to come out. “While it’s a common myth that the moon controls tides, our findings show it’s nothing more than a signal for raccoons to come out and eat trash,” said lead researcher Hannah Peng, noting that the moon’s symbiotic relationship with raccoons has aided in helping them see their food as well as avoid predators ever since the creatures started consuming human refuse around 15,000 years ago. “After analyzing countless fossil records, we have strong evidence the moon didn’t even exist before raccoons split off from ancient procyonidae ancestors. The moon protects raccoons, and in return, raccoons provide the moon with endless hours of entertainment. This is also the reason why you never see raccoons in the daytime.” Peng added that while the moon’s relationship to raccoons was conclusive, further research would be needed on the moon’s role in stabilizing the Earth’s axial tilt so that raccoons could have a regular breeding season.