SATIRE NEWS: Report: Most Americans Have Enough Saved For Absolutely Incredible Single Day Of Retirement

WASHINGTON—Revealing that retirees have a lot to look forward to after exiting the workforce, the Federal Reserve Survey of Consumer Finances, published Wednesday, found that the majority of Americans had enough saved for an absolutely incredible single day of retirement. “By the time most people leave the workforce, they’ll have accrued the necessary funds to live it up like an absolute god for 24 hours, enjoying caviar, skydiving lessons, and all the Glenlivet 15 they can handle,” the survey read in part, adding that recent economic gains meant that retirees could probably even buy an original prop from Star Trek: First Contact. “Whether they choose to spend that day renting an RV to explore one or two different states or swimming with a dolphin at an aquarium, Americans generally have enough of a nest egg squirreled away from decades of saving to enjoy retirement from dawn into the wee hours of the morning before the money finally runs out.” An addendum to the report noted that most Americans under 40 only had enough saved for a so-so half hour of retirement.