SATIRE NEWS: Report Finds Ticketmaster Controls 80% Of Nation’s Middle School Talent Shows

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a new revelation shedding further light on the ticket sales and distribution giant’s alleged monopoly, a bombshell report published Tuesday found that Ticketmaster controls 80% of America’s middle school talent shows. “Ticketmaster retains the exclusive booking rights to thousands of middle school auditoriums across the country, creating an out-of-control resale market that prices out parents hoping to see their children perform amateur flute solos or tap routines set to Kidz Bop renditions of pop songs,” said researcher and report co-author Alyssa Cade, whose findings also revealed that scammers and bots take advantage of Ticketmaster’s stranglehold on talent shows, often reselling tickets for 10 times their original price. “This monopoly means that Ticketmaster is essentially engaging in price-gouging, forcing parents to spend $200 to $300 on a ticket that was originally guaranteed with the donation of one canned good.” Reached for comment, Ticketmaster defended its sales practices by claiming it was only fair that both the company and middle schools received a cut of sales.