SATIRE NEWS: Report Finds Majority Of Fumbles Recovered Within First 48 Hours

NEW YORK—In an effort to relieve public concern over the thousands of footballs that go missing every season, an internal report by the National Football League confirmed Friday that the majority of fumbles were recovered within the first 48 hours. “Looking at our history all the way back to 1920, it has thankfully been very rare for our game balls to stay fumbled for longer than two days,” said league commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that the number of recovered footballs might actually be much higher than the data suggested, because referees were not allowed to consider them officially fumbled until they had been loose for at least 24 hours. “There is no worse feeling than realizing your football is somewhere out on the turf all alone, completely vulnerable. That’s why it is crucial to take action as soon as possible to ensure we bring every lost ball safely back into play and prevent, God forbid, someone else getting to it first. Unfortunately, patterns show that any ball not recovered in the first 48 hours likely never will be—at least not during that game.” Goodell went on to add that, sadly, many balls were ruled dead by the time someone reached them.