SATIRE NEWS: Report Finds Humans Waste 74 Billion Gallons Of Water Each Year Making Tea

NEW HAVEN, CT—Providing data that bolsters long-running concerns about the beverage among environmental experts and activists, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Yale University has found that humans waste an astonishing 74 billion gallons of water each year making tea. “We must stop this terrible practice of taking our most precious natural resource and, for no good reason, infusing it with tea leaves, rosehips, rooibos, and God knows what else,” conservationist Regina Alexander said in response to the report, observing that once water had been contaminated by the tea-brewing process, it could no longer be used for bathing, cleaning, preparing food, making coffee, or any other beneficial purpose. “It will be impossible to sustain the world’s growing population if our limited freshwater supply is squandered in such a reckless manner. We pour water over tea bags, let it steep for three to five minutes, and for what? The opportunity to take delicate sips and say we can detect subtle notes of peppermint? It makes no sense.” The report follows a study published last month that found humans also waste a distressing amount of water each year boiling eggs.