SATIRE NEWS: Report Finds Americans Need To Cut Emissions By 3% In Order To Tell Themselves They Did Their Best

STANFORD, CA—Concluding that the window in which to give themselves a little pat on the back was rapidly closing, a report released Monday by Stanford University found that Americans needed to cut carbon emissions by 3% in order to tell themselves they did their best. “It’s clear that as the planet continues to grow hotter, U.S. residents have no choice but to slightly lower emissions if they want to rationalize their actions by thinking they did everything they possibly could,” said head researcher Albert Sikora, explaining that anything less than 3% would be insufficient to completely absolve Americans’ sense of guilt over having failed to meet the moment and prevent a climate disaster. “Time is of the essence if we want to have any hope of convincing ourselves that we gave reining in fossil fuels the old college try. It is up to each and every one of us to work together to marginally cut airborne carbon as a way of safeguarding ourselves from accusations that something more should have been done.” At press time, Sikora warned that if the United States failed to act now, it would have no plausible deniability for the death and destruction that record-breaking storms, heat, floods, and drought will inevitably bring.