SATIRE NEWS: Report: Best Pickup Technique Remains Approaching Woman And Saying ‘Ditch This Zero And Get With A Hero’

NEW YORK—Describing the time-tested method as a nearly guaranteed way of attracting a mate’s interest, a report released Thursday by Columbia University’s Department of Social Psychology found that the best pickup technique remained approaching a woman and saying “Ditch this zero and get with a hero.” “Our findings suggest this short phrase has an almost magnetic effect on women, who are often so impressed that they drop their partner immediately in order to start dating this apparently high-status suitor,” said Professor Henry Upton, who noted that stating “Hey babe, how about you ditch this zero and get with a hero?” was equally effective regardless of whether the woman was married, single, or simply out getting drinks with a friend. “Some women may be confused about who the ‘zero’ and ‘hero’ are that you’re referring to, which is why you should always point at yourself with both thumbs during the hero part. If she doesn’t get it right away, though, just move on to the next woman you see. It doesn’t matter if she’s just out walking her dog in the park, completely alone, or even standing at the altar with her betrothed. Eventually, one of these women will wake up to the fact that they’re with a total dud and could do way, way better.” Researchers added that if the woman responded affirmatively to the request, it was important to stare blankly back at her, shake one’s head in confusion, and then slowly walk home.