SATIRE NEWS: Reformed Ja Morant More Into Swords Now

SALT LAKE CITY—Saying he had learned his lesson following his suspensions by the NBA for two incidents in which he brandished firearms, a reformed Ja Morant told reporters Wednesday that he was way more into swords now. “I did some soul-searching during my time away from the game, and I realized guns should have no place in my life when swords look sick as hell and never get jammed or run out of ammo,” the Grizzlies point guard said before his team’s season opener against the Jazz, resting a massive 3.1-shaku ōdachi over his shoulder as he explained that while his main priority would be “big ass” swords like claymores and zweihänders, all edged weapons—from shamshirs and falchions to kunai and kukris—would be a focus for him going forward. “Owning guns made me a liability to my team, but owning a rapier and parrying dagger combo will let me effortlessly redirect opponents’ attacks while targeting gaps in their armor. That’s so much cooler than just blasting somebody. Thanks to my fans and my new sponsors at [sword and knife retailer] Cold Steel for helping me turn this corner in my life.” At press time, Morant had received a 25-game suspension after an Instagram video showed him intoxicated and performing the forbidden Whirlwind Slash technique outside a Salt Lake City nightclub.