SATIRE NEWS: Ransom Notes Really Starting To Pile Up

CORVALLIS, OR—As he tried to avert his gaze from the stress-inducing pile of letters seeking money, local man Todd Fincher remarked Tuesday that the ransom notes on his coffee table were really beginning to pile up. “I’ve been procrastinating on these for months because I just don’t want to deal with them, and now I’ve got a huge stack,” said Fincher, who explained that it was always easier to convince himself that mowing the lawn or cleaning the kitchen was more pressing, and that he could wait until the next day to withdraw 10 grand in cash from the bank. “Look at these. One for my son, one for my assistant at work, another for my mom. You just can’t get ahead in this economy. You pay to get your daughter back, and then two weeks later you get yet another picture of your wife locked up in someone’s basement. I keep saying I’ll get around to getting everyone back, but some of these notes are six months old or more, and I’m honestly just embarrassed. Some are addressed to the previous resident, too, even though I’ve written back to explain they haven’t lived here in years.” “What’s crazy is that I know I’ll feel better the second I don’t have Cara’s fate hanging over my head, and yet I still let it go month after month,” he continued. “I can’t even check the mailbox anymore, because it’s getting too depressing. It’s also starting to stink, and I’m worried there could be a severed finger or something in one of those packages.” Fincher admitted that while all the random notes were overwhelming, it might make things less stressful if he at least paid to get his dog back.