SATIRE NEWS: Prosthetic Hand Recipient Slowly Relearning To Lick Barbecue Sauce Off Fingers

COLUMBUS, OH—Speaking with an unflagging sense of hope despite the long, challenging road ahead of him, prosthetic hand recipient James Bratton told reporters Friday he was slowly learning to lick barbecue sauce off his fingers again. “I’m still getting the hang of moving my sauce-covered hand to my extended tongue, but once I struggled past the pain, I was able to suck a full dollop of Sweet Baby Ray’s off my pinky yesterday,” said Bratton, who thanked his wife and children for cheering him on every time he tried to slurp a bit of extra hickory flavor from his new silicone fingers and credited his nurses with helping him dunk his prosthetic hand in a bowl of barbecue sauce for extra licking practice. “I mean, right after the surgery, I had to rely on [my wife] Jessica to lick all the barbecue sauce off my new hand, which was, of course, very humbling. But I couldn’t be more pleased with my progress, especially after doctors warned that I might have to spend the rest of my life removing all condiments, pizza grease, and french-fry residues from my fingers with a napkin.” At press time, Bratton had asked reporters to excuse him as a physical therapist had wheeled a big platter of ribs into his hospital room.