SATIRE NEWS: Post Pretty Sanctimonious For Mere Month Of Sobriety

TOLEDO, OH—In response to the holier-than-thou message on their social media feeds, sources reported Friday that a post by local man Jim Boisvert was pretty sanctimonious for someone who had only been sober for a month. “He’s really laying it on thick about not needing alcohol to have fun considering he was absolutely pounding beers as recently as the Fourth of July,” said neighbor Lisa O’Toole, confirming that Boisvert’s comments about how much his skin and physique had improved were obnoxiously premature under the circumstances. “He’s smugly prattling on about how he’s reached a whole new level of intimacy without alcohol getting in the way, and meanwhile, there’s still a stain on my patio from where he threw up after shots of Cuervo at my last cookout. I’m just saying, maybe give it another few weeks before you get up on your high horse.” O’Toole added that she still frequently sees Boisvert smoking a joint on his porch and he had offered her an Ambien only two days ago.