SATIRE NEWS: Pope Francis Decries Legal Head Shops Overrunning Vatican City

VATICAN CITY—Speaking to reporters in front of Saint Peter’s Holy Vape House in the heart of downtown, Pope Francis spoke out this week against the legal head shops he decried are overrunning Vatican City. “You can’t walk the colonnade without passing a cluttered window display with a bunch of bongs and a painting of a Grateful Dead bear praying the rosary,” said His Holiness, who called on Vatican City officials to outlaw the cannabis paraphernalia retailers from operating within 100 yards of any religious site such as the Sistine Chapel. “These rundown head shops make the piazzas look tacky, especially at night with their flashing neon crucifix-inside-a-marijuana-leaf signs. Sure, some of their stained glass bubblers are pretty dope, but do we really need so many of them? Besides, you can already get grinders and lighters and shit at the Vatican gift shop.” The Supreme Pontiff was later spotted stepping out of The Virgin Mary’s Smoke Shack with a fresh pack of rolling papers.