SATIRE NEWS: Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Support Wind Turbines If They Sliced Deli Meat As Well

WASHINGTON—In a major survey of public attitudes toward alternative energy as the climate crisis continues, a poll published Tuesday found that an overwhelming majority of U.S. residents would support wind turbines if they sliced deli meat as well. “Everyday Americans want to know how exactly wind power is going to serve our community, and many more of us would be on board if, in addition to converting the wind’s kinetic energy into electricity, those turbines also provided thinly sliced Cajun-style turkey breast,” said survey participant and Iowa resident Jeanine McFadden, who went on to explain that her community felt “left behind” by a lack of access to alternative meat-slicing sources. “Politicians talk a big talk about alternative energy, but if the people of this community could stand underneath the turbine blades for a little sample of honey ham, or if the base of the turbine had a built-in hot box full of grab-and-go rotisserie chickens, that’s what would make a real difference.” McFadden added that the community would also be open to exploring nuclear energy, provided the residual heat from reactors could be used to toast sub sandwiches.