SATIRE NEWS: Pete Hegseth Wondering Whether Uranium Would Be A Good Mixer

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly contemplative as he fantasized about a stiff drink after a long day at work, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly wondered Monday whether uranium might make a good mixer. “I feel like it could bring out the more chemical notes of gin in a really nice way without overpowering it,” said the Pentagon chief, conceding that it might be difficult to blend the substances due to the metallic element’s density being about 20 times greater than most liquors. “I hate when a drink separates, and the mixer just sits on the bottom, and then you get a big glob of it at the end. That’s what happened in that thorium mai tai I made last week. But I think in this case it might be worth it, because the cocktail would have a cool glowing color—especially if we went somewhere with a black light. I have an idea: When we take it from Iran, let’s drop a shot glass full of uranium into a pint glass of beer and chug it.” At press time, Hegseth was said to have concluded that the radioactive substance made a decent chaser.