SATIRE NEWS: Pete Hegseth Deploys 3,000 U.S. Troops On Beer Run

WASHINGTON—Declaring the utter lack of alcohol in the Pentagon kitchen to be a “national emergency,” Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly deployed 3,000 troops American on a beer run Monday. “As of this morning, I have ordered our armed forces to travel to liquor stores, gas stations, and 7-Elevens across the country to stock up on brewskis ASAP,” said Hegseth, adding that he’d also sent a Stryker Brigade Combat Team and a General Support Aviation Battalion to load up their armored vehicles and aircraft with as many 30-packs of Keystone Light, Busch Light, and Natty Light as they could fit. “Although we previously ordered the National Guard to score beer back in January, it ran out in, like, a day. Now it’s becoming increasingly clear that without military intervention, our kegs will run dry before the night even begins. The last thing this nation needs is to be left with nothing but tequila. That shit gives me such a fucking hangover.” According to sources, Hegseth also ordered the military to buy several thousand bottles of Smirnoff for some chicks he had been texting.