SATIRE NEWS: Pete Hegseth Clarifies Women Allowed In Combat Roles But It’s A Huge Turnoff

WASHINGTON—In an evident attempt to walk back previous inflammatory statements, prospective Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth clarified Thursday that although he now believes women should be allowed in combat roles, he still sees that as a huge turnoff. “While I want to state that I have nothing but respect for the female troops serving our country, it’s important to stress that thinking about that sort of thing is a real boner killer,” said Hegseth, adding that even a “total knockout, 10 out of 10″ would be marked down several points in his book if she were dressed up in a baggy, shapeless military uniform and given an assault rifle. “Personally, I believe there are several aspects of their biology that make women far better equipped to be sexy back on the homefront. It also really grosses me out thinking of them with, like, a butch buzz cut and muscles. It should be up to each individual servicewoman to decide whether she wants to be deployed to the front lines and turned into a total uggo. If not, there’s certainly a lot of room for them to look like absolute bombshells dressed as Army nurses.” Hegseth went on to suggest his mind might be changed if the military dress code were amended to require female soldiers to wear only a camouflage bra and panties on the battlefield.