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WASHINGTON—Grumbling to himself as he repeatedly dropped the device, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly blowing into a Breathalyzer Thursday in an attempt to unlock his phone. “Stupid fucking judge made me put this on my iPhone,” said the head of the nation’s largest government agency, snapping his fingers to get the attention of his deputy defense secretary and ask his subordinate to blow into the Breathalyzer for him. “Hey, could you do me a favor here? It’s not working, I think because I used mouthwash before I left the house this morning. Please? It’s really important. I got to send some war plans.” At press time, sources confirmed Hegseth was sleeping it off in a SCIF.