SATIRE NEWS: Patriots To Stop Serving Alcohol To Players After 3rd Quarter

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In an effort to promote a safer environment at Gillette Stadium, the New England Patriots announced Wednesday that they would stop serving alcohol to players after the third quarter. “We have unfortunately heard more than a few complaints about our players’ rowdy and aggressive behavior,” said Patriots spokesperson Aaron Kozachik, who stressed that while some may find the limit aggravating, he hoped the new rule would ensure a more orderly experience for all players in attendance. “There simply have been too many fights recently for us not to take action.” Kozachik added, “As a reminder, players will still be able to enjoy as many beers or other alcoholic beverages as they like during the game’s first three quarters, so long as they are not visibly intoxicated and purchase no more than two drinks at a time.” At press time, stadium security had reportedly discovered vodka inside several of the players’ water bottles after Patriots quarterback Drake Maye vomited all over the huddle.