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EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Causing light bulbs to shatter and plaster to rain down from the ceiling of the quaking room, pale teenage psychic Derek Timmons reportedly collapsed with a nosebleed Friday after trying to jerk himself off with the power of his mind. “I…I thought I was strong enough to harness my psychokinesis to beat my meat, but I…I lost control,” said a sweat-soaked Timmons, veins bulging on his massive head as several researchers rushed in to stop him before he could telekinetically stimulate his genitals again. “I should have never gone in for the fourth round, but I was feeling super horny. I overestimated my tele-masturbatory abilities. However, if I could just push my mind further, beyond the limits of known sexual fantasies, I could bring about an orgasm far greater than humankind’s wettest dreams.” At press time, sources confirmed the teenage psychic’s elderly mentor had agreed to show him the ropes.