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DENVER—Acknowledging the grim reality of their underwhelming romantic prospects, chronic disorganization, and lackluster employment outlook, the adult Patterson children confirmed Friday that the onus of giving their parents grandchildren had been placed on the least fucked-up sibling. “At least Liz has a job and lives in her own apartment,” said oldest sibling Matthew Patterson, adding that his younger sister was the only child without a criminal record or suffering from a crippling addiction to drugs or alcohol. “I’m pretty sure Liz even has health insurance. Tyler lives in a total fucking shithole with like eight roommates. Every surface is covered in empty beer bottles and overflowing ashtrays. That’s no place for a child, not even the total dud that Tyler would probably father. Honestly, Liz is the only one who would probably stick around to raise the kid. Plus, she’s actually been in a relationship that lasted longer than a drunken one-night stand. She definitely has what it takes to become a shitty parent.” At press time, Liz Patterson was reportedly borrowing money from her parents to pay for an abortion.