SATIRE NEWS: Ohioan Disturbed By Reports Of Haitians Eating Vegetables

FOSTORIA, OH—Claiming such accounts chilled him to the very bone, Ohio resident Danny Gleisner, 53, told reporters Friday that he felt deeply disturbed by reports of Haitian immigrants in the state eating vegetables. “All this I’m hearing about Haitians chopping up and eating produce just doesn’t sit right with me,” said Gleisner, explaining that while he’d never actually seen a migrant eat a cabbage or head of lettuce himself, just the thought of it made his stomach turn. “I’ve heard stories of illegals stealing tomatoes right out of people’s yards. Carrots aren’t food, plain and simple. You’d have to be an animal to chomp down on leafy greens of any kind, let alone the ones rich in fiber.” Gleisner added that if immigrants wanted to pursue a healthy lifestyle through a well-rounded diet, they could go the hell back to wherever they came.