SATIRE NEWS: Notre-Dame Reopened To Fire – The Onion

PARIS—After five years of painstaking reconstruction, the famed Notre-Dame cathedral reportedly reopened Friday to fire. “As a key symbol of fire identity, we are so thrilled to welcome flames into Notre-Dame once again,” said French President Emmanuel Macron, who credited the 2,000 masons, glassblowers, carpenters, and other craftspeople who worked on the UNESCO World Heritage Site for ensuring the structure was as combustible as the original cathedral. “Our incredible artisans have made Notre-Dame even more beautiful and flammable than before. We anticipate that 15 million fires will visit the cathedral every year, and we want each and every one of those flames—from the largest inferno to the smallest spark—to feel welcome while consuming its oak rafters, roof, and spire.” At press time, attendees at the reopening ceremony were reportedly cheering as the archbishop of Paris struck the cathedral’s doors with his torch.