SATIRE NEWS: NOAA Cuts Leave Wind Chimes As Sole Predictor Of Approaching Hurricanes

SILVER SPRING, MD—As mass firings of career experts and scientists continued to roil the federal government, officials confirmed Friday that cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration had left a single set of wind chimes as the sole predictor of approaching hurricanes. “In the wake of hundreds of layoffs at the National Weather Service, we would advise citizens to listen for the gentle tinkling of these wind chimes to gauge whether a tornado, flash flood, or other severe storm system is drawing near,” said NOAA spokesperson Andrea Kopit, expressing the administration’s hope that the characteristic jingling of the chimes in the breeze would provide information as accurate as that gathered from the former network of weather satellites, Doppler radar systems, and aircraft observation overseen by 12,000 staff members in an effort to prevent catastrophic property damage and casualties. “Unfortunately, the chimes are located in Topeka, KS, so many Americans will need to travel to listen for their sound in the breeze. The benefit here is there’s an elderly woman sitting on the porch below the chimes, and you can use the creak in her arthritic knee to get a read on shifts in barometric pressure.” The NOAA cuts followed layoffs at the U.S. Geological Survey that resulted in all earthquakes being tracked by observing the sudden rattling of a glass of water set on a table.