SATIRE NEWS: New FEMA Alert Notifies Public Whenever ‘Twister’ Airing On TNT

WASHINGTON—Predicting that the system would save countless Americans from missing an all-time classic, the Federal Emergency Management Agency announced the creation of a new alert Friday that would notify the public whenever the 1996 film Twister was airing on TNT. “If Twister is playing in your area, you will receive a notification on your phone that reads ‘Emergency Warning: Immediately find the nearest TV with basic cable,’” said FEMA acting administrator David Richardson, who confirmed the agency had launched the alert system in collaboration with the National Weather Service and the Helen Hunt Fan Club. “A Twister warning means that conditions for the film are just right. For instance, if it’s 1:30 p.m on a Friday, or if Angels In The Outfield was just on. A Twister watch means a promo has been spotted, and you should get yourself and your family on the sofa. Now, if you receive a notification saying there’s a Twister warning? Run. That means the F5 scene is already on.” At press time, sirens across the Great Plains were blaring songs from the film’s soundtrack, including Stevie Nicks’ “Twisted” and Van Halen’s “Respect The Wind.”