SATIRE NEWS: New Evidence Suggests Humans Developed Written Language To Avoid Breaking Up In Person

CHICAGO—Noting that early humans’ aversion to confrontation played a critical role in their evolution, a new study published Friday in the American Journal Of Archaeology concluded that written language was first developed to avoid breaking up in person. “According to our findings, early Mesopotamians created the first cuneiform tablets in 3200 BCE because they couldn’t bear the idea of looking their partner in the eye and ending things face-to-face,” said the study’s author, Professor Jason Greene, who added that once humans learned how effective a breakup note transcribed on papyrus, clay, or animal skin could be, they began developing a variety of symbols to quickly and effectively call a relationship off. “Some of the earliest pictographs, like a broken heart, a withered rose, or crossed out stick figures standing side by side, were seemingly quite effective for avoiding an in-person argument. But based on our evidence, our ancestors eventually developed a phonetic alphabet to convey more complex ideas, like that it might be best for them to open their relationship, or to take a short break and try seeing other people.” Greene added that early humans also developed hunting spears as a way to avoid going through the trouble of divorce.