SATIRE NEWS: New Death With Indignity Law Lets Terminally Ill Be Crushed By Falling Vending Machines

BOISE, ID—In what is being hailed as a victory for advocates of the right to end one’s life in total humiliation, the Idaho Legislature passed a new death with indignity law Thursday that will allow the terminally ill to be crushed by falling vending machines. “Across our state, people dying of incurable diseases will now have the right to choose a slow, painful, and really embarrassing death,” House Speaker Mike Moyle said of the bipartisan measure that is expected to be signed into law today, remarking that the option to die in the manner of a person who has rocked a vending machine back and forth, perhaps when it failed to dispense change or release a desired food item, had been legal in Switzerland for many decades. “If they’re too sick to travel to an office break room, hotel hallway, or bowling alley, a vending machine–assisted death can be carried out in a patient’s home, where they can be crushed to death while surrounded by deeply ashamed loved ones.” At press time, a 33-year-old Pocatello man had become the first Idaho resident to die with his hands around a bag of Famous Amos cookies as two large male nurses pushed a snack machine over on top of him.