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WASHINGTON—Stressing that they were approaching the future with the utmost seriousness, the nation’s fuckups announced a plan Friday to get their shit together for real this time. “While I know we’ve made assurances like this in the past, as of today we are really and truly committed to putting an end to the bullshit and getting our lives on track,” said fuckup Lionel Snow, 37, joining millions of incompetent reprobates across the country to outline the steps they intended to take in order to leave all that dumbass garbage from their past behind and start acting like a goddamn adult. “I’m happy to reveal that things have finally started turning our way, and with a couple of lucky breaks, we could have something pretty sweet going that’s totally legit—swear to fucking God. So let me be clear: It’s long past time for us to straighten up and fly right, and that is exactly what you will be seeing from here on out.” Snow added that all they needed was $4,500 to get started.