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WASHINGTON—Expressing deep fondness for those long-gone halcyon days, the U.S. population collectively yearned Tuesday for the relative calm of the “president is a giant pedophile” news cycle. “It was a simpler time then, back when all people wanted to talk about was the leader of the country molesting underage girls,” said Denver resident Scott Munoz, one of millions of Americans who noted the comparative peacefulness of the public discourse that surrounded Donald Trump possibly using his friendship with the late sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein to prey on helpless minors and contrasted it with the current tumult marked by the president undermining global alliances in pursuit of Greenland, unlawfully capturing Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro, and encouraging the violence of ICE agents. “I’m not saying everything was perfect when all the country cared about was the commander-in-chief groping prepubescent girls, but nowadays it’s almost quaint to think that we were once so concerned that the president had signed an incriminating letter about secretly being attracted to children, and that his signature was intended to double as the pubes on a lewd drawing. Lately, when I hear about ICE murdering people in the streets, I know I shouldn’t have taken that time for granted.” Munoz added that if he had to choose an island, he would choose Pedophile over Greenland any day.