SATIRE NEWS: Musk Signals Willingness To Bid More Than $97 Billion To Acquire Respect

WASHINGTON—Stressing that he was open to going far higher to close the deal, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced Wednesday that he had made an unsolicited $97.4 billion offer to acquire respect. “This is a very important opportunity for me, and as such I’m willing to put forward considerable capital towards procuring just a modicum of respect,” said the billionaire in a social media post, which went on to explain that he saw acquiring respect as just “one small step” toward the broader goal of being seen as a serious person. “As you’re aware, I was actually in a position of high esteem just a few years ago. That’s why I’m a perfect candidate to acquire respect now. Of course, this is just my opening offer. No price is too high to make this happen.” Musk added that he expected he might have to significantly raise his bid based on the realities of how detestable most people found him.