SATIRE NEWS: Mitch McConnell Vows To Continue Falling Down Stairs In Face Of Fascist Takeover

WASHINGTON—Rebuking President Trump’s decision to pardon Jan. 6 rioters, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) staunchly vowed this week to continue falling down stairs in the face of an apparent fascist takeover. “I can no longer physically stand upright for a party that excuses a violent insurrection that targeted our Capitol,” the 82-year-old lawmaker said as he slid down a row of steps outside the Senate chamber. “There are certain principles I refuse to compromise on, and I will make that known by tumbling down flight after flight of these hallowed steps. Rest assured, I will not stop until every last bone in my body is broken and I can no longer feed myself or recognize my surroundings. Suffering internal bleeding is my duty and my promise to the good people of Kentucky. So here I go again, America.” At press time, McConnell confirmed that intermittently losing consciousness—not violent rioting—was the only form of “legitimate political discourse” he recognized.