SATIRE NEWS: Mental Health Experts Advise Struggling Americans To Try Crying About It Like Little Baby 

CLEVELAND—In response to the rising cost of living, a lack of job options, and decreased educational opportunities, a consortium of leading mental health experts met this week and advised struggling Americans to try crying about it like a little baby. “Whether inflation is making it hard for you to afford groceries or you’re drowning in medical debt, we highly recommend you try bawling your eyes out and going ‘wah wah wah,’” said Anthony Marlow, a psychologist at Case Western Reserve University who explained that just five minutes per day of wallowing in their problems and saying “I’m a poor widdle baby, I’m a poor widdle baby” could give distressed Americans a much-needed break. “Instead of doomscrolling in bed, why not put down your phone, take a breath, and start whimpering about how the bank foreclosed on your home and you’re soooo sad? Or if you’re one of the millions of American feeling isolated and lonely, why not throw yourself a little pity party to feel better about being such an unlovable fucking loser?” The psychologist went on to recommend that any mental health experts who disagreed with his advice go whine about it to their “fucking mommy.”