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More than 71 million Americans are enrolled in Medicaid for healthcare. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding the program’s new work requirements, which go into effect after next year’s midterm elections.
MYTH: Most people on Medicaid already work.
FACT: Whatever.
MYTH: An 80-hour-per-month work requirement is a lot.
FACT: Eighty hours of work on Earth is actually only 35 hours of work on Saturn.
MYTH: Disabled veterans are exempt.
FACT: Attempting to navigate the VA system counts as a full-time job.
MYTH: The burden of reporting work hours will cause mass confusion and delays in coverage.
FACT: Diabetics are well-versed at rationing out their insulin at this point.
MYTH: “Able-bodied” is a vague term that ignores the complexities of many illnesses.
FACT: “Able-bodied” is a massive improvement from the term they wanted to use.
MYTH: The free market will correct for reduced Medicaid spending.
FACT: The Grim Reaper will correct for reduced Medicaid spending.
MYTH: Work requirements are confusing to navigate and hard to verify.
FACT: Your family lawyer should be able to take care of it without much fuss.
MYTH: Millions of people will lose benefits.
FACT: That’s only Phase One.
MYTH: Pregnant women are exempt out of a special concern for their well-being.
FACT: After birth, the vessel may be discarded.
MYTH: This will hurt countless innocent people.
FACT: It’s broad enough it will probably get a couple real bastards, too.