SATIRE NEWS: Marine Wonders What Will Become Of Angelenos Left Behind As Chopper Rises Into Sky

LOS ANGELES—Shedding a single tear as rows of ramen shops and luxury apartments shrunk in the distance, 26-year-old marine Hunter Wade reportedly wondered Tuesday what would become of the innocent Angelenos he was leaving behind as his CH-53E Super Stallion helicopter ascended into the sky. “We tried to help as many as we could, but at the end of the day, we can’t take them with us—God help them,” said the marine, who gazed wistfully as dozens of confused Los Angeles residents watched his force’s withdrawal, admitting that that he never wanted to return to the utter carnage of Rodeo Drive. “We did some good, but ultimately you can only do so much in the time they gave us. This place is hell. What kind of god would allow a place like Los Angeles to happen?” At press time, the helicopter was spotted dropping one final payload of napalm on all of West Hollywood before heading back to base.