SATIRE NEWS: Man Spits Out Blood While Flossing Like Battered Prizefighter In Championship Bout

HIALEAH, FL—Crimson droplets splattered across local man Cameron Downs’ white porcelain sink Thursday after he began flossing and reportedly spat out blood like a battered prizefighter in a championship bout. According to sources, the 32-year-old accounts receivable specialist braced himself against the edge of the bathroom vanity like a pummeled boxer laid out on the ropes, struggling to summon the strength to clean his lower teeth. Then, in the spirit of a welterweight being pushed back into the ring after having his eye cut open by a trainer, Downs was seen defiantly hocking a second mouthful of bloody saliva into the sink before wrapping a clean portion of floss around his index fingers. With a burst of renewed energy, Downs is said to have flossed the last of his bleeding gums and then dropped the waxed thread into the trash as if it were the sweat-stained hand wrap of an aging fighter defending his title for the last time. At press time, reports confirmed Downs was straining to squeeze the last bit of his maximum-strength sensitive toothpaste onto his extra-soft-bristled toothbrush.