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PUNTA GORDA, FL—Expressing bafflement at the amount of plainly idiotic behavior he was witnessing, local man Tobias Coffey stated Monday that he could not understand how the cartoon character on the screen in front of him could be such as dumbass. “Wow, you really are a moron, aren’t you?” said Coffey, who sat alone in his studio apartment and shook his head at the animated coyote on the television in front of him, remarking that anyone with half a brain could tell that was just the same old roadrunner wearing a curly blond wig and not a completely different character. “How the hell did you get caught in all those mousetraps? You’re the one who laid them down there in the first place, dipshit! And honestly, a third-grader could do a better job rollerskating with a rocket strapped to his back.” At press time, Coffey felt guilty after discovering that the character’s foolishness was likely the result of concussions suffered while running full speed into a wall of solid rock painted to look like a tunnel.